Something New, Compliments That Count, & the Gifts You Don’t Want
Thoughts on kindness, intention, and setting gentle boundaries
Before we get into today’s note, I wanted to share a quick update — especially if you didn’t happen to see my post on Instagram yesterday.
You may notice that these emails are now coming to you through Substack. Substack is the platform I’ll be using going forward, and it’s now the home of The Elevate Edit.
If you’re new here or joining me in this space for the first time, I’m Alison, the voice behind Elevate Etiquette. I’m a former lawyer and TV reporter, which gave me a front-row seat to how people communicate, where things go wrong, and how much smoother life feels when we approach one another with a little more grace. I’m also certified to teach North American and British etiquette. Today, my work focuses on modern manners with more heart, less rule-book energy, and a belief that kindness and clarity still matter.
The Elevate Edit is where all of this comes together. Each week, I share reflections on life and manners — the thoughtful, observant notes that come from paying attention — alongside practical etiquette guidance drawn from real situations and reader questions, including those moments when things feel awkward and you’re trying to stay kind without losing your cool. It’s also where all of my past emails now live, so everything is easy to find in one place.
In addition to this Saturday email, I’ll share extra notes and essays here as well. There’s also an option to support this work by becoming a paid subscriber, if it feels right for you.
Nothing changes about how you receive these emails unless you want it to. I’ll continue to send a free weekly email to your inbox every Saturday morning, and you can read everything directly in your email without downloading an app or visiting a website if you’d prefer. And as always, you can unsubscribe at any time, easily and without any hard feelings.
Writing my forthcoming book, Was It Something I Said?, reminded me how much I love this kind of long-form writing, and Substack felt like a natural next step.
Thank you for being here. I’m so grateful you’re reading.
Now, on to today’s note…
Compliments That Count
For all of 2025, I committed to something small — and harder than I thought it would be: complimenting at least one stranger a day for 365 days.
I wish I could say it was a piece of cake — that this came naturally to me and quickly became effortless — but even in the final days of December, autopilot never quite kicked in. I had to be intentional every single day about noticing someone I didn’t know and finding a way to say something kind without making it awkward for either of us.
And while I’m not particularly proud of this, I noticed a pattern early on. It felt easiest to compliment women, children, and people who looked like me, sounded like me, or felt familiar in some way.
As the year went on, I also realized how often my compliments defaulted to outward appearance. A pretty manicure. Great sunglasses. A chic scarf. All perfectly kind — but also easy.
So I challenged myself to go a step further. Instead of leading with a compliment, I started leading with a moment of connection.
Sometimes that meant asking a question. Other times, I would offer an observation.
“Have you worked here long?”
“Do you come here often?”
“You were really patient with that situation. Not everyone would have been.”
Once a conversation got going, the compliment felt more natural — and more meaningful.
I found myself saying things like, “You have such a calm presence. It made this line feel shorter,” or “You explained that so clearly, thank you.” Once or twice, it was as simple as, “You have such warm energy,” or “You have the best laugh.”
I’m not saying beauty shouldn’t be acknowledged or celebrated. But when every compliment is about nail polish or sunglasses or a great scarf, it can start to feel a little hollow — even when it’s well intentioned.
The compliments I enjoyed giving most were the ones that made someone pause. Not because they were dramatic, but because they were specific. Seen. Human.
It reminded me that kindness doesn’t have to be loud to be meaningful — it just has to be intentional.
And on the days when I had to go out of my way to find a stranger to compliment, I reminded myself of something simple: you just never know. I might be the only one to say something kind to them that day.
In Case You Missed It
This week, I was included in a Washington Post piece on the etiquette of children’s rideable luggage and scooter-like suitcases at airports. I also contributed to an article in The Great Conversation by Alyson Krueger on the etiquette of “out of office” email messages and if and when it’s ever appropriate to crack jokes or share personal details about your whereabouts in your professional automatic replies.
You can also get caught up on all my past Evie Magazine articles in my Ask Alison column here.
Answering for a Friend
Q: Some of our long-distance friends and family insist on exchanging kids’ gifts for birthdays and Christmas. What’s the best way to tactfully ask for no more gifts? I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but I’m tired of filming reactions, sending thank-you notes, and dealing with the pile of stuff we don’t need.
A: First, you’re not ungrateful — you’re overwhelmed. And those are not the same thing.
When gifts come with expectations (photos, videos, follow-ups, storage), they stop feeling generous and start feeling like a task. Etiquette allows you to set boundaries around that — kindly and clearly.
The key is to name the appreciation first, then offer a gracious redirect. You don’t need to justify, overexplain, or apologize.
A few examples that strike the right tone:
“We so appreciate how thoughtful you are with the kids. This year, we’re trying to simplify and won’t be doing gifts — your love and presence really are more than enough.”
“The kids are blessed to be so loved. We’re cutting back on physical gifts right now, but they would adore a card or a note from you.”
“We’re trying something new this year and focusing less on things and more on experiences, so please don’t feel pressure to send a gift.”
If this is a pattern with the same people, it’s okay to be proactive and consistent. Say it once, warmly, and repeat it as needed — without changing the message or adding guilt-soothing extras.
And one gentle reminder: you are not obligated to perform gratitude. A sincere thank-you note is still gracious and enough. Filming reactions and managing follow-up content is optional, not a requirement of good manners.
The most polite gift policy is one that allows everyone — parents included — to enjoy the season. Boundaries can be kind. And in this case, they’re practical, too.
If you have a question for a future Answering for a Friend segment or my Ask Alison column, please email info@elevateetiquette.com.
For more writing like this, my modern etiquette guide, Was It Something I Said?, is available for preorder now.
With love,
Alison